she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
