1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
wow bdsm is so cute
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
