my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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