she looked like the before picture.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
