You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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