I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
