I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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