I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
