i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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