My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
