and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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