why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
