Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
