as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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