You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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