I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize