There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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