my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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