I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize