Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
