My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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