giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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