I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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