Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
me + whiskey = a bad person
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
