I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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