drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize