When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
