I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
