I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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