you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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