I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
