he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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