the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
