I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
