Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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