well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
