He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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