I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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