You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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