shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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