Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
