The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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