there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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