Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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