My friends, they love my intelligence
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
