what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
