I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize