All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
