can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
