I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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