Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
