i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
