My Higher Power is John Stamos
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
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