After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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