I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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