My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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