My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
