You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
