Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
