I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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