I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
