Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize