I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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