I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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