JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
