I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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