the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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