now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
