I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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