I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
