You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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