some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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