he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
