He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
