My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You ruined the universe
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
