While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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