I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize