May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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