is your mom at the bar?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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