textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize